Hey,
Thanks for the invitation.
I would love to come for a visit now. I'm dying to see you.
I know you're waiting, and you've set aside this time for us.
But... I am just so embarrassed.
Last time, I enjoyed being with you so much that I thought I'd never be able to peel away. But since our appointment was ending, we at least made up certain arrangements to keep in touch.
Besides for that, I thought up a whole bunch of things I could do in between to make you happy.
That way, at least we'd have something to talk about next time we could really get together.
But now, as I'm already running late in getting ready for our upcoming meeting, I have no idea how I am going to face you.
Because, I'm ashamed to say, I didn't do a very good job on those things.
I mean, I did think of you... pretty often.
I just didn't act on it very much.
And sometimes, even when I did do something, it... got messed up.
So I'd feel kind of silly giving you that... y'know?
And I'm sorry I wasn't home when you called. I kind of, well, things got busy and... I'm sorry. I guess I should have called back. I mean, I know, but... whatever.

But G-d, do you know what I am going to do?
Since I really, honestly, do want to be close to You,
I am going to make a pretty hard sacrifice.
I am swallowing my pride
and dealing with the embarrassment;
accepting the searing pain of shame
and coming before You
humble
trembling
and empty-handed.
Here I am.
Please let me in despite the past.

Frum

Disclaimer: Some of you may be what-iffing, but-maybeing, and who-sayzing when reading this post. Please note that this and the below post were written following an actual conversation with a specific person and they are based on my knowledge of her character.
"I'm not what you would call frum," she said.
I didn't answer.

What would I call "frum?" Am I frum?
Am I frum because I dress similarly to many people in Boro Park?
Would I still be frum if I were in Meah Shearim?

If you'd believe me, I'd tell you that as I see it, we're very similar.
But you'd think I'm insincere.
You are absolutely, positively certain that I am judging you.
Yes, so judgemental, her type.

The reality is simply that we both have our strengths and weaknesses.
I was raised with some mitzvot that are now automatic, and there are some I have yet to learn.
Some midot come naturally to me, while others remain a constant battle.
I aim to do good, yet there are constant failures.
I make mistakes.
I'm still growing.
I believe you can say the same.
So who can call one of us "frummer" than the other?

How do you define "frum?" Please comment here. Muse continued below.

Furthermore...

Continued from next (above) post.

Some of your strengths are my weaknesses.
Are you calling me frum because I have something you lack?
Well, you have several essentials that I lack. [trust me -ed.]
(and probably more that I don't know about)

That's part of the beauty of being part of Am Yisrael:
If we can truly be as one, we can help make each other whole.

(I need to check my source for the following -- I have it written down at home)
Suppose there is a Jew who wants very much to do the mitzva of hosting guests, but he lacks the means, while another Jew is wealthy enough to host many guests, but he does it grudgingly. Who should get more credit? Neither mitzva is complete.

The Jewish nation is called Adam, a word meaning "man" that has no plural form in the Hebrew language. The connotation is that we are one -- one person with one soul.

Just as a person has both a body and soul, each mitzva has two corresponding components. If one Jew fulfills the "soul" of the mitzva, that is, the pure intentions and desire, and another provides the "body," they combine to form a complete, wholehearted mitzva. (Think of eye-hand coordination -- you may do things with different parts of your body, but it is the same person doing it)

Yes, you really are my soul-sister, and I am not complete without you.
Perhaps it is true that I perform more mitzvot than you, but how many of those are rote, or insincere! Perhaps you quest for Truth, your striving to become closer to HaShem, is the shining flame of our common soul.

Now, do you really think I could possibly write you off as "not frum enough"?!

I've been tagged by Nuch! Don't worry, this is just a preliminary post; I have a lot on my mind right now and some of it will surely ooze out onto the blogs sometime soon.

1) Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves.

2) The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed.

3) At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Here goes:

1. I don't like candy. I'm all for ice cream and cookies, but the sugary, sticky stuff just doesn't turn me on.

2. I failed all Jewish subjects and several secular subjects throughout elementary school and most of High School. I think they kept promoting me because no teacher wanted to deal with me twice... (my GPA this semester was 4.000. Sorry, can't resist the gloat. It feels every bit as good as I always thought it would)

3. I can't resist playing around with different art media. I am an expert in none, just a confirmed dabbler. Do not walk with me past an artsy store; you will lose me. (currently, as if I have time to pick it up, I am into paper-cutting and soft pastels)

4. As far as I know, five people in this universe know both my blog ID and my real name. If you think you should be added to that number, please let me know privately and don't tell anyone else.

5. While I am not camera-shy, I am very video-camera-and-tape-recorder-shy. Home videos in general kind of spook me out. Memories are one thing, but playing them back like that... whatever.

6. I love being the first to open a brand-new book (doesn't have to be a new release, just that no one ever read that copy)... mmm that fresh clean-book smell...

7. (this is getting difficult... I never realized how much I've shared already)

I am not afraid of animals as long as they are supposed to be safe (like, I wouldn't introduce myself to a wild raccoon. But if a pet owner says not to worry, I usually don't.) When there is a petting zoo nearby, I love "borrowing" something to scare people I know. The largest animal I have handled was a python about 6 feet long who weighed 30 kilo (not 100% sure I recall the stats correctly)

8. I hate going to bed, but once I'm there I can't seem to get out... much easier to just spend the whole night blogging, no?

Help! I have no one left to tag! I wasn't on when this was really going around, so I haven't actually seen where it went, but it seems like everyone's been tagged already. Well, if any of you loyal and devoted readers would like to join the game and haven't done so yet, I tag you. For now,

SWFM, I tag you (not Poochie this time!)

and JA(C)P, though I guess this stuff doesn't belong in your blog.

I suppose that's what one gets for coming late to the game.

Reflections

After not posting over the past two weeks, I realize that it is time to formally pull down my shutters for the summer. (See HB for tentative comeback dates)

As I prepared to temporarily close up shop, I looked back on about a year of blogging with mixed feelings. While there is no doubt that I wasted way too much time online in the process, it was definitely a growing experience for me.

I therefore dedicate this post to you, my fellow J-bloggers, who have led me on this fascinating journey. Through my interactions with you, I feel that I am much more bonded with the various stripes of the Jewish nation, more open and understanding, more positive and caring.

Lechaim,
to Nuch, who has shown me that there is more to the American Chusid than bad grammar...
to SWFM (and Poochie) who rises every day...
to Dreamer, who helps me look up even when she's being negative...
to DOT(L), who puts depth into words (and music)...
to Kasamba, who even in her absence makes laughter always possible...
to Jacp, who opens her journal and my eyes...
to the various lurkers and commentators, who have been a great audience...

Just wanted to let you all know,
that while I hope to get a life and stop spending time on this stuff,
it's too late -- you're part of who I am
even if I manage to break away
you've made a difference
just by being you.

Thanks.

There is a real post at the tip of my fingers, but no time to put it out tonight.

For now, I just wanted to share:

Aish audio has a great lecture by Rabbi Wagensberg about Parshas Korach, this week's Torah portion. It is available for free online listening. I use aishaudio.com quite frequently, but I decided to post about this one here because it particularly relates to my earlier post about being dependent, and I drew a lot of chizuk from it.

Another free lecture that also relates somewhat to the same topic, given by Rebbetzin Heller, one of my all-time favorites, is on my highly reccommended list for all Jewish women (probably good for men too, but I wouldn't know...) I am trying to remember which it is, but meanwhile it can be found on this page. It may be the one about changing speech patterns.

Kiddush Levana painting by Zalman Kleinman. If you're wondering what this has to do with anything, you'll have to listen to the Korach speech! I can't explain "on one foot."

Journeys

Sometimes,
When reading the advice of people greater than me
I wonder...

Why bother?
Is he talking to me?
I am so far removed from that, it isn't even practical!

Then I remember...
We are all on a journey
to the same place.

We may not be at the same point
but if I make sure to stay on the same road
as those who are where I'd like to be
then I'm going in the right direction.

The actual examples in the mussar books don't relate to me so well, but if I read and learn from them I can make sure to take steps that will put me on that path.

Bon voyage!