Thursday, August 30, 2007

Thanks for the invitation.
I would love to come for a visit now. I'm dying to see you.
I know you're waiting, and you've set aside this time for us.
But... I am just so embarrassed.
Last time, I enjoyed being with you so much that I thought I'd never be able to peel away. But since our appointment was ending, we at least made up certain arrangements to keep in touch.
Besides for that, I thought up a whole bunch of things I could do in between to make you happy.
That way, at least we'd have something to talk about next time we could really get together.
But now, as I'm already running late in getting ready for our upcoming meeting, I have no idea how I am going to face you.
Because, I'm ashamed to say, I didn't do a very good job on those things.
I mean, I did think of you... pretty often.
I just didn't act on it very much.
And sometimes, even when I did do something, it... got messed up.
So I'd feel kind of silly giving you that... y'know?
And I'm sorry I wasn't home when you called. I kind of, well, things got busy and... I'm sorry. I guess I should have called back. I mean, I know, but... whatever.

But G-d, do you know what I am going to do?
Since I really, honestly, do want to be close to You,
I am going to make a pretty hard sacrifice.
I am swallowing my pride
and dealing with the embarrassment;
accepting the searing pain of shame
and coming before You
and empty-handed.
Here I am.
Please let me in despite the past.


halfshared said...

In the beginning I was wondering what you were getting at..thought maybe a boy you were dating did that to you or something. Like the ending very much. Kesiva Vchasima Tova!

Scraps said...

Wow...very, very powerful. You capture the feelings so well.

Ketivah v'chatimah tovah!

Bas~Melech said...

Thanks for all your comments, you two. (where did all my oldies go, though? If you're here, say hi!) Did I even formally welcome you yet? I've been so scattered lately... Anyway, it's great having you here and getting to know you.

HS-- you're actually not that far off. Not a date, but I was in a similar situation with a person recently, and when Elul rolled around it just felt exactly the same. I did go to the person, she did welcome me with open arms, and we spent a great couple of hours together. And, like during the Yomim Nora-im, I left feeling like, "that's it! This time I'm keeping up the connection!" And like last year's High Holy Days, so far I haven't done much. But this time will be different. If you believe in it, it can be true.

David_on_the_Lake said...

dirshu hashem be'himotzo


Ayelet said...

took my breath away... You've hit the nail right on the head.

StillinShidduchim said...

Wow. Powerful post. Hope this year is going better than last...